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My
Letters to George Argyros
April
4, 2003
Ambassador George Argyros
American Embassy
Madrid, SPAIN
Dear Mr. Argyro:
What the hell is going on in Spain?
You’re the American
ambassador there, right? Which means you pretty much run the country, yes?
Well, it’s been two years since you’ve been our ambassador in Madrid,
and to tell the truth, I think you’re bungling the job.
Here’s why: In March, Spanish Prime Minister Jose
Maria Aznar — the guy who reports to you, right? — flew off to
the Azores to meet Britain’s Tony Blair and George W. Bush.
So far, so good. Next, the three of them issued an ultimatum to the United Nations. “Tomorrow
is a moment of truth for the world,” Bush said.
OK. Here’s the “moment of truth” Bush was talking about:
Britain, Spain and the United States gave the United Nations 24 hours
to authorize military
force against Iraq. After 24 hours, Britain, Spain and the United States would
go to war without U.N. approval.
Moment of truth, my ass. Twenty-four hours later, do you know what Spain’s
Prime Minister Aznar said? “Spain will not participate in any attack or
offensive missions,” that’s what.
What the hell was that about?
Aren’t you supposed to be on top of these things? Isn’t Spain your
job? Sure, over one million Spaniards protested the war, but you’ve got
to learn from your mistakes, George. You always get the political guys lined
up, but you always forget the regular people who vote. Remember when all those
Orange Countians protested your proposed
airport at El Toro? You had the Board of Supes pretty much reading your script — any
quicker with your trousers and they might have kissed your ass in public. You
spread cash around City Halls from North Orange County to South — practically
owned Newport Beach for a while. How much did you spend? Two million? Two and
a half? You got the politicians, but you forgot that Orange County politicians
don’t bring votes. They don’t have coattails — they don’t
even have coats. You lost El Toro in the voting booths because you played old-school
politics.
It’s time to get your fat head in the game, George. Clamp down on these
red protestors. Tell Aznar if he’s not with us, he’s against us.
I want to see some Spanish butt on the line in Baghdad, ASAP. If not, I want
to see some American troops banging on the door to Madrid.
Yours for an Empire!
Nathan Callahan
April 8, 2003
Ambassador George Argyros
American Embassy
Madrid, SPAIN
Dear Mr. Argyros:
Still haven’t received a response to my first fax — not that
I’m
surprised. I have to send you a fax? What the fuck is that? Do you commute
to work on a horse? Did you know that your people at the State Department
told me that because I’m “just a citizen,” a fax is the
only way I can reach you? Shouldn’t “just a citizen” be
able to EMAIL his overseas embassy? What gives? Is there a shortage of computers
in Madrid?
Oh well, enough of the small talk. Let’s talk about what you’re
really interested in — MONEY. I’ve got a winner for you, George.
It hit me the other day, when I visited Chapman
University’s School of Business in Orange — the one they
named after you.
Here’s my idea: You own an real estate firm in Orange County
called Arnel Management. Arnel manages 19 apartment complexes--from
Rowland Heights to Laguna
Hills. I work for the OC Weekly. Our newspaper goes out free to
all of Orange County — from Rowland Heights to Laguna Hills.
Cha-ching! Let’s put our two businesses together. I did a little
advance work and checked out Arnel’s
website.
It needs some work, but I like the use of the words “luxury apartment
home living.” And talk about kismet — there’s even an Arnel
luxury apartment home living complex in Anaheim called Casa
Madrid. Did you come up with the idea of naming it after your embassy?
Good thinking!
Picture this for an ad in the Weekly: Ambassador George Argyros
in front of the U.S. Embassy in Madrid with Anaheim’s Casa Madrid luxury
apartment home living complex Photoshopped into the background.
Here’s another idea. I know that things are dicey in Spain what with
all the anti-war protesting. In February, you created a scandal when you invited
a bunch of Spanish political party leaders to the embassy for a “Why
the U.S. Wants to Bomb Iraq” breakfast. They refused to show up. One
of the party leaders said accepting your invitation would symbolize that “the
seat of Spanish sovereignty would be moved to the American ambassador’s
house.” I’ve got his seat of Spanish sovereignty right here.
Some people around the Weekly said the breakfast boner was evidence
that you’re a lousy diplomat. Someone said, “What do you expect
for $30 million?” That’s a joke, see, because usually people say “What
do you expect for free?” But in this case, you raised $30
million for George W. Bush’s presidential campaign and all you
got in return was a bed in Madrid and 40 million Spaniards who hate America.
That’s
why I guess it seemed funny when he said that.
But you know what? When you’re handed lemons, you make Sangria. What
about a Spanish Pax Americana discount at Casa Madrid? It would go like this:
The first month of luxury apartment home living is free if you’re Spanish
and you support pre-emptive strikes in defense of freedom anywhere. I bet
some of those protestors from Madrid would try to move to Orange County to
take
advantage of that offer.
Sounds pretty exciting, don’t you think? Email me right away
and let me know when I can get started on our business plan. In the
meantime, have
fun in Madrid and say hi to King Juan Carlos for me.
Today Iraq, Tomorrow Iran!
Nathan Callahan
April 17, 2003
Ambassador George Argyros
American Embassy
Madrid, SPAIN
Dear Mr. Argyros:
Last week I monitored the OC Weekly fax machine every hour, waiting
for a message from you. It never came. To tell you the truth, I was pissed-off.
Then I went online, punched in your name and hit paydirt. No wonder you’re
not writing back: You’re planning for a secret summit!
It takes place this June in Scotland. (Don’t ask me how I found out;
it’s a secret.). Scottish construction millionaire Sir
Fraser Morrison has invited you to join some of the world’s top business
leaders and politicians in a hush-hush meeting to examine the effect of the
Iraq war on the global economy.
I guess you guys are going to try to figure out whether war is good for business.
Good luck.
The secret meeting is for members of the U.S.-based Chief Executives
Organization (CEO). A secret spokesperson for the CEO summit, Frances
Crow-Kyles, refused
to supply a list of participating delegates and said, “There will be
no pre-event publicity.”
Well, I’ve got news for Crow-Kyles: too late now. Everyone at the Weekly
knows that George Argyros will be there. In fact, I’m emailing all my
friends and asking them for their thoughts. I’ll try to keep it as secret
as possible. I’ll send you a fax soon, George, with all their suggestions.
(No need to respond. We all understand about the secrecy thing.)
There is something you ought to know about Sir Fraser. He’s currently
being sued by the Anglian
Water Group, a British utility company. You were sued too, George. Remember?
It was after District Attorney investigators and lawyers determined that your
company, Arnel Management, fleeced apartment renters by withholding security
deposits, overcharging for repairs and billing for imaginary expenses. What
a sweet deal! Anyway, I figure you should tell Sir Fraser about how your buddy, Orange
County District Attorney Tony Rackauckas, stopped his lawyers from filing
the suit, removed your name after careful deliberation and then stalled for
time until George W. Bush found you a home in Madrid. Maybe Sir Frances has
friends in high places, too. Who knows? He might get to be an ambassador some
day, just like you.
So, now that I know that the secret summit is the reason you’re not responding,
here’s the plan: While you’re secretly preparing for your secret
summit, I’ll be working secretly on a layout for your ads in the Weekly.
I’ll send some drafts along to you soon.
Be cool. Don’t write back.
Oh, I almost forgot. Congratulations on the liberation of Iraq.
Let’s roll,
Nathan Callahan
April 17, 2003
Ambassador George Argyros
American Embassy
Madrid, SPAIN
Dear Mr. Argyros:
This has been a crazy month. When I emailed my friends for input on your “war
is good for business” meeting, I got some real negative vibes. I think
I must know a lot of pacifists — maybe they’ve got Spanish blood.
All I know is that my friend Eric went ALL CAPS on me about the protests in
front of your embassy. He said that war is good for business only if you’re
a “corrupt mother-fucking fat corporate son-of-a-bitch like George Argyros.” (Please
excuse the French, I’m just repeating what he said.) According to Eric,
50 people had their heads cracked open at your front door by black helmeted
baton-swinging Spanish police.
Another friend, Mike Kaspar told me that Spain has more war protestors
than any other European country. He said that you and Spanish Prime
Minister Jose
Maria Aznar are both “assholes.” (Excuse the French, again.) Then
he quoted Spanish opposition leader Jose Zapatero: "Most of the people
believe Anzar has failed and that he’s lied — lied to this Parliament
and to the people."
That’s not good, George. I’m not a Socialist, but I warned you
before about getting people — not just the politicians — on your
side. I stood up for you anyway.
“At least the Spanish have a pro-war leader,” I emailed him back.
That really set Mike off. He told me my head was full of pro-war propaganda.
I told him that you had taken my advice and notified Spanish Prime Minister
Jose Anzar that either the Spanish get in line behind George W. Bush or Donny “Evidence
of Absence” Rumsfeld would smack down hard on Madrid. I called it
our “Spanish Strategy.” Mike almost shit in his pants. He’s
not speaking to me anymore. But to hell with him.
Our Spanish Strategy must have really worked on Anzar. Just last week
Bush invited him to the White House to thank him for his help with
all the U.S.
reconnaissance flights over Iraq originating in Rota on the Southwest Spanish
coast. It’s amazing what a little threat by a nuclear superpower can
do. I just hope Bush pronounced Anzar’s name right. Remember when he
called him Azner? Like in “Ed AZNER.” What was Bush up to anyway?
Watching reruns of Mary
Tyler Moore? If you get a chance to talk to W. tell him that “n” comes
before “z.” That ought to click in his head.
You can also tell him that Nathan thinks that war is good for business.
Especially if you’ve got connects with Halliburton and Bechtel. They’re picking
up construction contracts in Iraq like vases in a Baghdad museum. Oh, by the
way, Do you know what they call people from Baghdad? Bag Daddys. It’s
the truth. I’m not kidding you.
So here’s the deal. I’ll keep sending strategies. You keep implementing.
OK? In fact, if you’d like, I could be your right hand man at that top
secret meeting. Let me know and I’ll be there.
Be real and represent,
Nathan Callahan
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