The
Schlomo Effect
Researchers
at the University of California, El Segundo released a report
Tuesday confirming that exactly one-half of the earth’s
human population is profoundly stupid.
“After
10 years of research, using a cross-section of nearly 650,000
participants from around the world, we calculated that exactly
50% — that’s one out of every two people — have
a minimum of detectible cognitive abilities,” Marshall Birchfield
a university spokesman said.
“Another
fifty percent of the world’s population has suspected this
evenly divided intelligence schism,” Birchfield continued. “They
just didn’t want to say anything about it.”
Researchers
at the university christened the 50-50 phenomenon the Schlomo
Effect after King Solomon,
the son of David and Bathsheba and ruler
of Israel from 960 to 922 B.C.
“It’s
fair to say Solomon was acutely aware half the people in the world
are morons,” Birchfield
said.
Although he
authored the Song
of Songs, the Book
of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes, Solomon
is most remembered for his Wise Ruling in the Bible (1
Kings, 3:16).
The Wise
Ruling refers to a case of two women who approached Solomon
with a baby and a dilemma. Both women claimed the baby was their
own.
According to
the Bible, Solomon solved the problem by instructing
his court to “Cut the living child in two and give half
to one and half to the other.’"
Woman #1 accepted
the decision, but Woman #2 begged the King to give the baby to
Woman #1. With only the slightest patronizing tone, Solomon announced
that Woman #2 was the mother.
“Exactly
half of the people in our research testing thought Solomon made
a good call,” Birchfield said. “The other half wondered
what kind of fool would want to saw a baby in half.”
Researches believe
that in addition to understanding day-to-day illogical occurrences,
the Schlomo Effect may shed light on world events. The
presidency of George W. Bush is a text book example.
Data from the
year 2003, indicates that at that time half the
population of the United States believed that Iraq
was involved in an attack on the World Trade Center in New
York.
“No matter
how much evidence was revealed to the contrary, half of the population
persisted in believing that Iraq was responsible,” Birchfield
said.
George W. Bush,
who was president at the time, declared war on the relatively
small, oil-rich Middle
Eastern country citing the New York attacks as a justification.
Curiously, the
president appears to have been in the less-gifted half
of the smart/stupid divide.
“Bush,
in addition to being a dim bulb, had a strong following in the
idiot community,” Birchfield said. “His advisors,
who profited immensely from the war, were well-aware of the Schlomo
Effect and used it to their advantage. They figured that at least
half of the population could be easily manipulated — just
as Solomon believed that one of the two women would think meat-cleaving
a baby was a swell idea.”
In naming the Schlomo
Effect, a minor controversy erupted over the concluding
passage of the Wise Ruling — “When all
Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king
in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer
justice.”
“Some
of us were perplexed by the unanimous support for Solomon,” Birchfield
said. “But we later determined that either Solomon had embedded
reporters or only half the people of Israel believed that he was
wise. If that‘s the case, then an idiot wrote the story."
— Nathan Callahan, June 25, 2003
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